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Roy Opochinski
Web Editor
Who am I? Roy. Where am I? The Jersey Shore. Why is my asshole bleeding? Next question. I write for American Mule because I hope to meet David Zucker someday. Wait, you thought I get paid for my submissions? What are we in America? Wait. We are in America. Hey, why am I not getting any cash for this? Where's my agent? And why is my asshole bleeding?
I was born, a child of immigrants, sometime in 1972. Because my parents were illegals and my mother gave birth to me the same place I was conceived-on the hood of my dad's Dodge Dart-there is some debate about my actual date of birth. But on June 3, they got around to registering my birth with the appropriate offices. They did this when they realized that having an American-born son was their ticket to a green card and a legal life in America.
My first two years were spent in Brooklyn, Coney Island specifically, where my parents, in their ongoing attempt to make ends meet, rented me to some boardwalk carnies, who, for six months, displayed "The World's Smallest Speechless Man".
Though I don't have the laundry list of failed romances that seems to be a prerequisite for conscripts in the Muleitary, Steve and Adam took pity on me and asked me to join them as a writer for their little funny-book site. I felt bad for Adam because I have heard rumors that he is unhappy with the way certain parts of his life have turned out#being a tracer must suck. From what I can tell, Steve is a pretty good guy. (Take that last statement at face value: I've never met him. And he's editing this piece.)
So, that's about it. I do have my own little home on the web at 500words.net and you'll find some rants and other things there. I'm also working on a book, and I promise to try to sell it to you if it doesn't suck. Anything else? Oh yeah. If you like eggs, order one of those Eggwave things from TV. They rule. And they make a perfect companion to the George Foreman grill.
500words.net
Contact Roy Opochinski |
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